Music Is Personal

For years all I wanted to do with my life was be a singer/songwriter. It was me and my Yamaha keyboard against the world and I liked it that way.
By the time my senior year of high school rolled around I found that my keyboard, Alex, which was appropriately named after my biggest music inspiration, was spending more time in our garage than in my room. I was no longer inspired. Not to sound like a tortured soul but my music had always come from sadness. Having a steady, loving boyfriend, a happy family and the promise of leaving high school, I had no reason to be sad. And with that, I had nothing to write about. Contrary to what you may believe, it is a lot easier to write a song about a cheating ex or a deceptive fling than it is to write something about rainbows and ponies.
Clearly, I was in a rut. No longer were the days where I sang my heart out to every Demi Lovato song I knew in my room. Even worse, I no longer was playing piano or writing anything. I was even neglecting my journal where I had recorded detailed recollections of every major life moment since I was 14. By the time I started college I began to feel that I wasn't being the person I had always been. My devotion to music and being an artist was no longer there and to be honest, without music, I don't know who I am.
This phase lead to a semi-destructive semester of college where all I cared about was partying on the weekends and just getting by in school. This person was someone I didn't know. Someone I had never been and although it was new and fun, I was terrified of who I was becoming. Never had I set out to be the girls that had I mocked in high school and yet there I was, one of them.
This all came crashing down on me when I pulled Alex out from under my less than comfortable twin XL and tried to write something. I was in crisis mode, I felt betrayed and lonely which meant something had to come out, right? Wrong, I just couldn't do it. All that came out of me was a cheesy chorus without substance and more importantly, without heart. Songs were always a product of my sadness in the past and yet here I was feeling anything but happy and I still couldn't get it together. This sad attempt at getting back what I had lost is what turned everything around. Of course there were other factors that led to me finally pulling myself together again but I really do have my music, or lack of, to blame for the return of normal me.
Through all the lectures I sat through, the tests taken and the essays written, being true to myself is the biggest lesson I learned my first year of college. Ignoring music for other things in my life was never something I wanted to happen but losing myself to become someone I thought I wanted to be was not the solution. As crazy as it may sound, sometimes you have to become someone you hate to truly figure out who you are. So when my friends and family ask why I no longer sing, I never know what to say because music has taught me so much about myself. Music is personal and to explain that though I still love the art of music and everything about it, I have grown into someone who doesn't have to put it first anymore. Music is no longer the most substantial thing in my life and that's why for me, pursuing that dream of being on stage in front of thousands of people doing something that I truly love, isn't my biggest dream anymore. And that's okay.